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Saturday, January 28th, 2006
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6:12 pm
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i hate choking and bleeding, but it happens. especially when you love people a lot. i am betrothed. it's been an interesting trip, this relationship bizness. certainly ..
but i am always madly in love, no matter what occurs between us. always. i've never learned more about myself than i have being in a real relationship. i've never been more willing to change either. i want to change things about myself, but it always seems impossible. i have begun to learn control though. that's a start, i suppose. i just wish he would believe that i would travel to the ends of the earth to be with him. that i am not just saying that..that it is the truth. i wish he felt the same instead of feeling "screwed" and like he has no choice, but to relocate to the area my job is in. i have no choice either, this is where i work and it's a good job. it's not like it's the area i would choose to live my whole life in either, but for now it's how it is. i thought all that mattered was that we were with each other. it's a nice sentiment, but it's becoming apparent that it's nothing more. sighsightriplesigh.
it's tough, when love doesn't conquer all. when there's still fucking bills to pay, rent, utilities, that you have to have a JOB for these things, and yet no one will fucking GIVE you a job. this situation has put so much stress on our relationship. it's been difficult, but love prevails. it's not the answer to all of our problems, but it exists no matter how many problems we must face. we face them together. i just wish that we could start our life together and that society would let us. haven't we been kicked down enough? can't we just have this? to be together and in love. it's all we've ever wanted and we've found it in each other. now we can't be together because of all these fucking STANDARDS WE MUST LIVE BY. we just want a fair chance,. but i guess that's too much to ask when everyone has a fucking prejudice stick up their ass and it's all about judgement and superiority and it's a giant fucking game people play instead of realizing that we just want money to fuckign EAT>
one of the doctors at work is taking connie, carol and me out to eat at a seafood restaurant tonight @ 7:30. i'm not sure why, but it should be fun. i never go out. without my beloved, i mean. i have no real social life, per se.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: THE EXIT
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 22nd, 2005
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6:46 pm
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holy shit, my tori tickets for tomorrow night were just upgraded to front row!@%!$@^%$!@!
her mailing list sent me an e-mail saying that they're doing upgrades for her shows and to e-mail explaining why am i her biggest fan. i just checked my e-mail and I WON!! i bought tickets maybe 12 rows back from behind the pit off ebay and i decided to bring my boyfriend. now i feel horrible because my sister wishes i was taking her and i want to..if it was up to me i would take my boyfriend, mom and sister. the upgrade is only for two tickets though and ebay only was selling pairs. i've seen tori with my mom and sis and it's a special experience for me that i wanted to share with the man i love. i didn't even know about any sort of upgrade when i invited him and even when i did know, there was no way in hell i ever thought i'd get it. i want to take my sister, but i can't hurt him that way..he told me he was going to get dressed up and everything. it's bittersweet.
but still, i CANNOT BELIEVE IT~@!^&!@%
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 19th, 2005
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5:42 pm - happiness.
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my family is camping and my boyfriend is cooking me my favorite food (spaghetti)for dinner. i could not be happier. he's making homemade sauce and it smells so yummy. we rented movies for tonight, but it's too chilly to go swimming. i can't wait until we are able to live together. i've been requesting 32 hour a week full time status so i can get health insurance and the practice manager told me she would ask the head doctor on one of his "good days". i am now working as a part time receptionist for a family practice. it's going pretty well, except i thought it would involve more sitting. most days i feel like an office assistant who mainly files and answers phones. i made it clear during my interview that i left my last job because i was seeking a sit down job. i told them i had back and hip problems and could not work long hours on my feet. there is a main receptionist there all the time though and i feel like i'm playing second fiddle to her and she is sitting all the time. the office is so tiny there really isn't room for another chair and since i'm filing so much it would be pointless to have one anyway. i was on my feet eight hours on tuesday and my back was killing me. other than that, the job is perfect. my co-workers are nice and accomodating, the schedule is flexible, i have set days, but requesting to leave early is not a problem, i did this yesterday because of my back pain. i love the job itself and that is the most important thing. sometimes i get annoyed or overwhelemd and am stressed, but that isn't often. the pay is two dollars more than they were offering me to stay at eckerd and i had been there FOUR YEARS. i'm happier than i've ever been. i still think i shoudl consider returning to school for a career, because i'm not sure if i want to work in reception the rest of my life. if i do though it will be easier to find a job now that i have experience. dinner is almost ready :)
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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12:08 am
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with the exception of loud drunken idiots spilling beer on my head, the green day concert was AMAZING. totally wonderful. [encore included we are the champions@#%^&] my boyfriend is the most awesome person in the world and i feel so inadequate because i make myself upset over things that i shouldn't be upset about. my brain COMPLICATES everything. i upset myself and disappoint myself and i get thinking.. and i think that he deserves way better than me, someone who won't be upset by stupid shit that has no bearing on our relationship whatsoever - and then i cry because i think of us parting ways and it kills me to even for a nanosecond imagine my life without him. sighsighdoublesigh, right? c'est la vie.
i'll probably post a more in depth description of the green day show because i want to write it all down anyway so i can remember it better years from now. i just don't like the venue they played in, but it was such a good show. they're amazing performers/musicians..i don't know where they get all that energy, billie joe's energy never waned, not once. well he did lie down on his stomach during their rendition of 'shout' and he was wearing a red sort of crown on his head and when he lied down the non green day guitar player came and covered him up with a red blanket as he sang "little bit softer now..little bit softer now.."
when you're driving behind someone with a bush/cheney sticker on their car, do you ever get the urge to just ram into them really hard? i do.
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(14 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
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1:37 am
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i had a health scare and a car accident last month. not that i needed anything like that to happen in order for me to not take things for granted, but it did make me realize that i'm not ready to die. for awhile, i felt like i would be sad to let this life go, but also relieved when death came to take me. in some ways, death would come as a relief, because this life has been hard and every day is full of pain. however, i have been blessed with romantic love for the very first time in my life. the one thing i thought about when looking up my symptoms on the internet and seeing stomach cancer and all sorts of horrible things, ..was how badly i didn't want to leave him. i would miss him so much. i am so grateful though. i always felt that at the age of twenty four, if i was to die i would mourn never knowing what it's like to have unconditional love outside of my family. it's truly the most amazing thing i've ever experienced. it's not perfect..because i'm not, i have insecurities and doubts and paranoia.., but when we're together it all bleeds away. we had our first proper date saturday. we saw sin city and ate at a diner. we were carded for the movie, it was hilarious. i felt really weird after the movie though, and then while we were waiting for our food i was just zoning out. he was talking to me and i was trying to so hard to focus on what he was saying and listen..but i could only absorb bits and pieces. i didn't think i was that tired, but atleast i snapped out of it and was okay to drive home, but i still felt weird. close to home i started to dry heave, thank god i didn't vomit in my parents' car. i've been having to borrow it because my car was being fixed and now that i've got it back, it's making weird noises and has to go BACK. i'm just glad i wasn't hurt though. freak snow storm in march and i'm five minutes from home and i just went into a slide. slammed into a power box and then a sign..so scary. i need a new job. especially with all these bills..billsbills.
i've never felt okay. i feel okay when i'm with him. his presence quells the beasts within, subduing my madness. atleast for the most part. i've been thinking about upping my medication though, because even in our perfect moments my thoughts interfere and i find myself outside of the moment, trapped inside my head and unable to be PRESENT. it's frustrating, but i breathe and i look into his eyes and in that moment everything is right, and we fit.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 26th, 2005
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6:28 pm - a home in a heart.
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i didn't know what i was looking for
until i found it in the shape of you
current mood: starburstingflamesignitewithin
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
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7:57 pm
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| Monday, December 27th, 2004
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8:48 pm
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don't you love it when you write a wonderful and detailed entry and then you hit post and livejournal says the date is wrong and you hit the back browser and your entry is gone??
i wanted to write an entry about what's been happening in my life because i've met someone really amazing. i know jack nicholson said this in as good as it gets, but he makes me want to be a better person. i love being with him, he has the kindest heart ever, and he makes me laugh. he inspires me, he touches me, he consistently blows my mind. we're taking it slow, we've hung out twice and we're hanging out again on wednesday. he writes poetry and a lot of the poems he read to me were of the rhyming sort, which inspired me to try my hand at the rhymes again. all of the poems i've written in the past few years have mostly been non-rhyming. i tend to sound silly and trite when i write rhyming poems and it tends to detract from the serious subject matter. life so full of the bitter and the sweet. i've been having bad back and hip pain lately, i just had some acupuncture done on thursday for it. now this could lead me to a downward spiral, it has the potential to suck me back under. now, i took intro to algebra in spring of this year and ended up having to drop it. if i hadn't dropped it i would have never met this magical person who is changing my life. this just confirms my belief that everything happens for a reason, even though the reasons aren't always clear. events which can make you feel so negative, like a failure and a disappointment, can bring beautiful things into your life. it's funny that it only takes one person to make such an impact on your life, but just having someone outside my family who i love spending time with and who makes me think is really motivating me to cultivate change.
i've been stagnant in more ways than one. i've been drifting, i think. i always thought i was stagnant action wise, but i realize that part of me has been stagnant inside as well. i've been growing emotionally, but not having love in my life has deadened a part of me and it's finally waking up. for some reason family alone wasn't enough to make me want to maximize my potential. it is true that love can water the seeds of growth. it's time to take inventory and weed out the clutter. it's about time something glorious happen to me. i think the last three lines of this poem i wrote the other day sum it up perfectly:
stoking the embers of a dying flame
i've been feeling hope lately
and it bears your name
current music: Garden State Soundtrack
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, December 13th, 2004
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4:16 pm
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"if you want a drink that makes you look "cool", try drinking it outside...
in january...naked."
-written on my iced tea bottle
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 18th, 2004
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9:17 pm - that green "fruit" does look a little pervy..
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| Friday, October 8th, 2004
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6:57 pm
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| Thursday, October 7th, 2004
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7:23 pm
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i got this new baby powder scented deodorant that smells just like my premie baby cabbage patch doll that i had when i was little. he was powder scented, but regular baby powder never really brought him to my mind like this deodorant does. now throughout the day i am having random sense memories of cabbage patch kids. the 80's were such a great time to be a kid. i discovered this great site www.he-man.org that is hilarious. now i know i've said it before, but i must further vent my frustration about the availability of t.v. shows on dvd. things are improving, i saw the first season of the super friends at hollywood video. however, they have the first two seasons of jem (which is GREAT), but no he-man or she-ra. props to already releasing the first season of arrested development when the second season hasn't even started yet though!
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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11:49 pm - save a wretch like me.
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it's a slippery slope/ i'm sliding downhill quickly
everything good is on the other side /and i can see the horizon no more
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| Friday, September 10th, 2004
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12:01 am
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do i really need a lecture on the importance of voting from my art history teacher? no. not with everyone and their mother already telling me to vote or die. i think it's great to provide voter registration forms, but please..we don't need a lecture. he asked how many people had voted in the last election and when only a few people raised their hands he shook his head in dismay. most of the people in the class probably weren't old enough to vote in the last election!
not only that, but he was practically telling us who to vote for.
why when people criticize michael moore do they always mention his weight? what on earth does his weight have to do with his movie or his political opinions? people get so mad and immature that they inevitably end up calling him a fat slob which just makes their arguments look REALLY valid.
you know, putting the war aside, the biggest reason i don't like bush is because he discriminates against gay people. i don't want a closed minded bigot for running our nation. i don't want someone who is going to take away rights that people should have just because he doesn't agree with their lifestyle choices. lifestyle choices which affect no one negatively. yes, let's focus on changing the constitution to make marriage specifically between a man and a woman. there are more important things to be investing your time in doing for christ's sake. oh, and fight for your country and go risk your life fighting a war you don't believe in, but wait-if you're gay you can't do that, will be kicked out of the army, and not recieve benefits that you ARE entitled to. mmhmm.
why would i want a president who is fighting to make decent and good people's lives miserable?? i believe in god, but i do not believe there is a place for religion in politics. bush constantly mentioning his "holy father" is really
disturbing. he's being "guided by god"..
This is America, where we have freedom of religion. This is a melting pot for many cultures and many different religions. How can you base your government on ONE religion and say that it is the ONLY religion? How can a government for a country with MANY different religions be run by a man who is basing his decisions for running said country on HIS religious beliefs?? That is just not right.
I don't want a president who blatantly disregards human rights. Bush can have his religious beliefs, but no one has the right to play god and i think that's exactly what he's doing.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 4th, 2004
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12:45 am
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my partner in crime in all things ECKERD is leaving for a better too-good-to-be-true job. she won't have to deal with customers or insurance companies at her new job and she won't have to work weekends either. as much as i will miss her, i am relieved. i have been staying mostly because of her. i enjoy working with her, she's my friend, and i feel as if i'm her only ally at ECKERD. (long complicated bizness-she is one of two pharmacists at this store and the other pharmacist is live in lovers with the main 9-5 mon-fri pharmacy tech and it's a bit of a dramatic soap opera situation)
i doubt i'll stay til the end of the year. i've no reason to. i've been wanting to quit for some time. the pay is shit, though the work isn't demanding..but it can be boring and being on my feet that long sucks.
SO.
something to be excited about.
possible closing of one chapter and opening of another.
i see things on the horizon.
and they're not all bad.
current mood: starry-eyed-hopeful
current music: whirrrrrrr
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 28th, 2004
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10:40 pm - practical. realistic. lofty goals.
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i wish my parents were more encouraging.
current mood: NOTdiscouraged
current music: sid vicious- my way
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
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11:34 pm
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what is with this alf first season dvd only having chopped up edited syndicated versions of the original episodes? bullocks!
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
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11:14 pm
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sucksucksuck. there's got to be a way out. i've got to escape. i've been throwing around ideas for cures in my head. maybe i just need to fill my life up with STUFF, keep really busy so i don't have time to think about anything that's bothering me. but i can't even watch a fucking film without ocd thoughts creeping up on me. and i can't be awake without feeling physicalpain and aches in my joints and soreness or headaches. i can't think of a right solution. a good way out. except death of course, HAHA.
but something's got to change.
i need to change.
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(comment on this)
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2:51 am
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i feel it creeping up on me. the dark shroud. slowly enveloping every part of me..body and mind. controlling me. i am just a walking, talking, SLAVE to all these things that rule me. i can no longer define myself by choice, but these things- they choose who i am for me.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 31st, 2004
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10:00 pm
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